


Beyond the Veil

by Qellaswe



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Explicit Language, Humor, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-08-23
Updated: 2005-08-23
Packaged: 2018-09-30 12:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10162934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qellaswe/pseuds/Qellaswe
Summary: What, really, is beyond the veil? Sirius finds out. It's an adventure in Alternate Reality





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from SeparatriX, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [HP Fandom](http://fanlore.org/wiki/HP_Fandom_\(archive\)), which was closed for health and financial reasons. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in August 2016. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [HP Fandom collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hpfandom/profile).

With a special guest appearance from the book _Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince._  
Summary: Where does the veil actually end up? Sirius finds out.  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters in this story. I've taken liberties with them, however, so they may be returned somewhat damaged.

 

He felt himself falling as the fight disappeared from in front of his eyes. Whatever spell his cousin had hit with hurt like a bitch. He could feel his insides twisting with pain as his entire body seemed to float through an endless black fog. The pain grew and he considered himself lucky as he felt his body shut down as he passed out.

******  
"What the hell happened to him that he looks like that?"

Sirius' lids fluttered at the rough voice. It took him a moment to realize that it was a east London accent, and he wondered where he had landed; the Ministry was in central London, far beneath the Underground. He managed to pry his lids open enough to tell that he was in a large space, with lights hanging down halfway from the ceiling.

"Spike, put that thing out before you light his hair on fire," came a woman's voice from the other side of where the man was. Her voice was a different accent, and he couldn't tell exactly where she was from, but it definitely wasn't the big GB.

"He is wake ing upu," came another voice, and Sirius had watched enough Godzilla movies with Lily during her last months of pregnancy to recognize that he was from Japan. A vision of a giant lizard popped into his head and he shook it to clear it.

"You all right?" the woman asked. "You landed with quite a bump. But I think I got everything."

"Have you no sense of what proper grammar is?" the London accent asked. "Why am I always stuck with Americans?"

"I could put you back, you know. The new season of Peaches' show is starting and the guy who plays you is guest starring."

"Hell, no! Just buy me more cigarettes."

Sirius _had_ to open his eyes all the way at this conversation. There was a light hanging off to his left, the frosted glass shade moving slightly in an unfelt breeze. Beyond it was a bare roof, the wood trusses a dark brown-black in the shadows. He blinked as a face came into view. It was rather close, and he blinked a couple more times to focus. 

Short blond hair that looked horribly like Malfoy's sat atop a thin face with dark eyebrows and cheekbones that were so sharp they could probably cut through steel. A cigarette hung from one side of the man's mouth, and Sirius was afraid that it would fall on him and begin to burn.

Another face came into view, and Sirius closed his eyes to make sure that he wasn't dreaming this up. Or at least imagining it. The woman had dark green hair, making him think that she was related to his cousin. She had hazel eyes, with some crazy orange shadow reaching to her blond eyebrows. Her nose was pierced and her lips were pale with a hint of a shine on them, as if she had just licked them.

She smiled at him suddenly, and Sirius had the feeling that, if he _was_ still alive, he had fallen into that old show that Lily had loved so much. What was it called? The Twilight Show or some such name.

"You feelin' alright?" she asked.

Sirius struggled to sit up and only managed it with the help of the blond man. When he was upright, he saw that they were inside a barn of a sort, although it had been fixed up enough for living quarters, with a loft on the right side, judging by the railing he could see from here.

There was a silence, indicating that she was still waiting for an answer.

"'m alright," he said quietly, coughing on the last syllable. A small glob of something came up, and he looked curiously at the red ball of threads. He didn't remember chewing on anything this color when he was Padfoot this afternoon.

"Good, you got it up," the woman said. "I wasn't sure if it would come this way or the other. It's better this way."

"Tell me about it," muttered the blond.

The woman glared at her blond-haired companion before turning to Sirius and smiling sweetly.

"I know it's rather rude of us to go so long without introducing ourselves, but I wanted to make sure that you knew what was going on. The last time it happened, poor Saffiru over there was almost shot because Treize wasn't entirely _here._ " 

She pointed at someone over her shoulder and Sirius saw that it was a man of Asian descent, wearing a blue jacket with strange chains on it. His hair was a strange blue-black and he had dark blue eyes. The man noticed Sirius' staring and bowed slightly towards him.

"That's Saffiru, who was obliterated by his own brother," the woman said. "Stupid Dimandu, anyway. Fratricide is, unfortunately, more common when you're evil anyway."

Saffiru looked abashed and turned to look out the darkened window. Sirius turned shocked eyes towards the woman. She shook her head, as if apologizing.

The blond man said, "The bloke's not evil anymore. You could say he saw the light."

The woman frowned and leaned over Sirius, punching the blond directly in the eye. She shook her hand as she pulled back, shrugging as the blond danced away, holding both hands up to his injured face.

"Bloody hell, woman! Maybe I should take you up on that offer. Peaches couldn't sock me one if he tried," the blond snarled.

The woman grinned. "That's Spike, by the way," she told Sirius. "And I'm Moria. Moria Smith." She nodded to the door. "Somewhere up in the loft is Treize, although he tends to sulk quite a bit, so I don't know when you'll get to meet him. That's the rest of the crew that lives here."

Sirius pinched his nose, closing his eyes tightly together. He slumped forward slightly as he tried to assimilate just what the hell was going on. Pulling himself together, at least as much as he could, he tried to gather all of the facts as he knew them.

One, he wasn't in the Ministry building. He could still be in London, but he doubted any building looked like this. Besides, he just heard a cow moo outside, so no, London was not the location.

Two, he didn't hurt anymore. The entire time that he'd been lucid as he fell, his chest had hurt like all bugger, but he was fine since he'd basically pulled a McGonagall with the hairball, er... thread-ball.

Three, he needed some alcohol and fast. Because if this was hell - it certainly didn't sound like heaven to him - he wanted to be oblivious to everything if these were the people he was trapped with.

He could think of three or more things that he wanted to list, but he needed to know just where he was exactly, and just how would he be able to get back to Harry.

"Where am I?" he asked, as politely as he could. He really didn't need to bother, as Moria and Spike were arguing fiercely and the Saffiru guy was heading out the door next to the window.

"What's that?" Moria asked, having punched Spike once more in the eye - the other one this time.

"Where. Am. I."

"Oh. I'm afraid that you're stuck in the boonies. More specifically, you're in the big village of Hell, Michigan."

He was in hell, all right, but he didn't know exactly where that was. So he decided to introduce himself. "I'm Sirius."

"So was I." The woman grinned.

James had always said that, one day, his joke would return to him and bite him in the arse. Just why it had to be today of all days, he wanted to ask, but knew he wouldn't get an answer. "No, my name is Sirius. Sirius Black."

Moria's mouth opened to let out an excited "oh!" and she hurriedly raced over to a bookcase and pulled a large tome off the middle shelf. The large, blue covered book was set down on top of his legs as she looked through it, Sirius wincing at the weight on his bum knee. _Stupid dog arthritis anyway._

Then he got a good look at the title sprawled at the top of the page and he lifted the front cover to read the title. _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix._

"What the hell?! How did you know about this? Who wrote this? Does Dumbledore know about this? Hell, does old Voldiepants know about it?!" Sirius tried to get up, but the blond man kept pushing him back down with surprising strength. "Would you stop that?!" He demanded, searching for his wand and realizing that it was in his hand, still, after all this time.

Moria grabbed the book with her right hand and patted Sirius on the leg with the other. "Well, Sirius, I'll explain it all if you just settle down." She turned away slightly. "TREIZE! GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE WITH WHATEVER BOTTLE YOU'RE BROODING WITH!"

Sirius winced at the volume coming from her lungs. And he thought he'd been loud when he was younger.

She turned back to him with another grin. "He'll be down with whatever alcohol he's drinking. But, to answer your question of where you are, here - " Moria raised her right hand, fingers and thumb held tightly together as if in a mitten, and pointed with her left index finger at a spot on her lower palm, even as Spike groaned.

"Not the bloody hand map again?!" the blond muttered, lighting a new cigarette from the one hanging from his lips. He looked at Sirius. "I bloody well hope you think she's a nutter, because these other blokes think it's _cute._ I don't care if you can use body parts to show where you live, you stupid bint, I don't bloody want to see it again."

A fist crossed Sirius and landed on the blond's nose this time.

"Bloody hell!"

"Stop your whining!"

Sirius bent his head, wondering if it was possible to leave this Hell. Was there a city called Heaven here in... Michigan?

"No, but there is a fantastic ice cream place down on in the village. They have a strawberry ice cream that tastes like it came from Heaven. It's not very far to bike down there."

Sirius looked up at that; he hadn't realized that he'd asked his question out loud. As he did, a tall man with ginger colored hair came gracefully down a spiral set of stairs. He had on a red, military-cut jacket and white pants tucked into knee-high black boots, with a shine so polished Sirius could see his reflection even from where he was sitting. But it was the bottle of amber liquid that held his attention the most. Wherever this place was, he hoped that they had some decent whiskey.

Moria grabbed the bottle from the man and handed it to Sirius. "Here. Drink up, 'cause you're gonna need it while I explain the situation."

Sirius hesitantly raised the bottle up to his nose. Whatever brand this was, it had a rich aroma. He took a tentative sip and felt the burn trickle smoothly down his throat. He took another, this one a longer drink, and savored the alcohol as it made its way to his stomach. It was well made whiskey and was much better than the awful swill that James had been able to procure at Hogwarts or even when he was married to Lily. Hell, it was on par with Ogden's Premium Firewhiskey, only without the strange flames.

"Well," Moria said after Sirius had comfortably put away at least two glasses worth. "The whole truth of the matter is that you've fallen into what could be considered the rubbish bin of reality."

Sirius raised an eyebrow at that and took another drink. He could tell that he would need it if that was anything to go by.

"What I mean is, the world from which you came is, in this reality, fiction. You've had the unfortunate fate handed upon you by those stupid witches that live up north to live in this reality - "

"What the stupid bint means is that you're now in a reality where you're a fictional character and there ain't no way to get home," the blond said, puffing on yet another cigarette. He blew a ring of smoke in Sirius' direction. "Whenever the book, movie, or television show comes out and you die in it, that's when you appear."

Moria nodded, even as Sirius tried to twist his thoughts around the entire idea. She raised the blue covered book in her hand. "See, this book came out at midnight tonight and I went to go get it. Because I can't trust these particular idiots to behave themselves when I'm not here, I dragged them along to the bookstore. When we got home, you were on the floor."

"So what does it all mean?" Sirius asked, taking another swig of whiskey as if it were the only lifesaver aboard a sinking ship. And that's what he thought this was.

"I'm afraid that it means that you are dead in your particular reality," the man called Treize said in a sophisticated, European accent. "You arrived here in this hellish reality solely due to the fact that you died."

"I'm what?!" Sirius asked in a strangled voice, somehow losing his grip on the whiskey bottle. The air grew dark as he struggled to rise. "That can't be right!" There was a hand on his shoulder as he struggled for his next breath and then there was blackness once more.

******  
"You're an idiot."

"That is your argument every time you feel that you have been wronged. I fail to see how I am an 'idiot' when you seem to be the cause for the troubles that exist around here."

"Hello! I'm the bloody Scourge of Europe! I don't do anything wrong."

"And I tried to have the Earth blown up, but that does not mean that I am incapable of admitting that I have been in the wrong."

Sirius opened one eye cautiously as the battle of words continued. He wouldn't say it was a battle of wits, because the man with the cultured voice was the only one well armed for this fight. Still, he needed to see if this was but all a dream and he would wake to find himself trapped in Grimmauld Place with a creepy house-elf standing over him.

Sirius slowly sat up as the sound of crunching reached his ears. He looked over to find the woman with the strange green hair munching on some popcorn. When she noticed he was awake, she pushed the bowl towards him, to the edge of the table between where he sat on a sofa and the large, cozy chair she was lounging on.

"Want some?" she asked. "They'll be at this for a while, so I'd take some if you're hungry. I don't dare try to go around them to get to the kitchen. I barely escaped with my life when I tried it to nuke this stuff."

Nuke? She caused mass destruction all for some popcorn? If she had wanted that, he could have whipped up a couple of spells with his wand. Still, he _was_ hungry. He grabbed a handful and shoved it into his mouth, a few pieces falling onto his robes because he was using his left hand. He wasn't about to let go of his wand until he was sure of this place, even for food.

The argument faded into the background as Sirius hurriedly ate the popcorn as fast as he could. His stomach could tell that it had been quite a few hours since the last time that he ate, and he was going to take full advantage of eating. Finally, he tired of the buttery and spicy popcorn and looked for something to wipe his hand with. The woman handed him a strange, papery napkin.

"Feeling better?" she asked. 

As he nodded, she muttered under her breath. Sirius wished for a moment that he was Padfoot, because he would have understood what she said. But he wasn't about to attempt it in front of these people.

"It _is_ hard to have all that sprung on you all at once," Moria said. "But I really can't think of anything that could soften such a blow. Most people take a long time to recover, and then there are some that I don't even want to go out in public alone because I know that they'll cause trouble."

"What is this place?" Sirius asked, bewildered by her rambling.

The woman sighed. "You ever hear of Atlantis?"

Sirius nodded, though he was confused at the change in direction of the conversation. "Sure. There were a couple books in the library. They all said that the island sunk to the bottom of the sea."

She grimaced. "That's about all of the truth. But what the books don't say is that it is because the king said that his daughter was the smartest being in the universe. His boasting angered the gods and they sunk it. But what they didn't count on was that a couple of people survived by slipping through - all because of a wisp of a girl.

"Well, when they examined the facts, the gods discovered that when the universe was created, there was a tiny loophole left in the fabric. Zeus couldn't be bothered to repair it, and he really couldn't anyway because the girl could overrule even him when it came down to it."

"How do you know all of this?"

She laughed in a mad way. "Because I was that girl. Since it was my 'problem,' they stuck me in charge of taking care of the people I decided were worth more than what the Fates had decided. So I created this place, this reality, to give them a new start. What I didn't count on was that eventually people stopped believing in the gods and we lost our powers. So I'm stuck here, too."

"But the gods existed millennia ago."

"I don't show my age, do I?"

Sirius frowned. "And what about this place? You also mentioned some witches up north?"

Moria shrugged. "The Fates. They run a resort up in the thumb, along the lakeshore." She held up her hand again, wiggling her thumb. "We catch up with each other every couple of years or so, usually when someone gets their second chance. We throw a convention every ten years to round all of the gods up. Most of us settled here in the US because people don't pay much attention to our strangeness. They just think we're hippies for the most part."

He smiled at that, remembering the costumes people had worn in London when he'd been younger. He could remember staring out of the window, hoping that he wouldn't get caught looking out and watching the Muggles walk by. He'd been fascinated by them and how they could get around with any magic. Which brought him back to something.

"You lost your powers?"

"For the most part. I still have quite a bit, much like a normal witch would have in your world. But I don't need a wand or an incantation. Though I can't use it when normal people are around."

He could understand that. "So is there any chance that I can return?"

Moria shook her head slightly. "Because you're here, I'd say that there isn't much of a chance that you can go back. Since my powers aren't what they were, I can't see farther than the end of the day. That's why I dragged the guys to the store. It's less traumatizing for everyone all around. I just didn't expect you to be so injured - I just knew you were coming. Even if I pooled all of the gods together, I still wouldn't have enough power to send you back, as much as I wish I could. Even though I threaten to do so, I really can't send them back. I'm really regret pulling Spike into this reality, though. I can't afford his cigarettes anymore."

Sirius slumped into the cushy arm of the long sofa he was on. "What do I do then?"

"Start a new life, read the entire Library of Congress, vacation in exotic spots. That's what most people seem to do when they learn they've got a whole new lease on life." She got up and grabbed the empty popcorn bowl. "One thing about being here is, since you're dead in your own reality, you can't die unless you really want to. Some people do pick that option, so you go either to Hades, the Elysian Fields, or if you're not sure then imbo. Me, I actually like living in Michigan, even if the ice is pretty shitty to drive on in the winter and the mosquitos are big enough to carry off small children if given the chance."

He closed his eyes, thinking about everything that she'd said. If it was all true, then he was stuck here with no chance of getting back. That still didn't mean he couldn't try, at least. He wasn't one of the Marauders for nothing. And if he was stuck here, he wasn't an escaped convict. But there was no Harry, James, or Moony here, either. Of course, there was no Voldemort, either, except between two heavy pieces of paperboard and seven hundred sheets of story.

He opened his eyes to find that the others had abandoned the room and the only light on was a lamp on the table next to him. Next to his elbow was the blue-covered book that Moria had been holding earlier, and he picked it up.

 _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, huh?_ he asked himself as he opened the front cover. _I wonder if there are other books, if it says year five on the cover?_

******  
(16 July 2005)

"Did you get it?"

A nod. "Here's your copy, Sirius. Make sure that Treize doesn't get it, or you may not see it for a while. He'll read it so many times you would end up having to get a new copy, anyway."

"I know. Oh, I like this green cover better. Look! It has a Dark Mark on the back. Scary! But what are Harry and Dumbledore looking into? A penseive?" A pause. "Some lady came by and said that I had the perfect costume, although she thought that I died in the fifth book, and why was I here for the sixth book? And I told her that, somewhere out there, were fans still holding out with the hope that I would return."

Laughter.

"How hilarious!"

"And true!"

"But I wouldn't tell the Muggles, because I think there are obsessed fans out there who would kidnap you and put you in crazy situations with Snape."

Retching sounds. "Don't say things like that. As if I would ever be trapped somewhere with Snivellus. His hair alone could commit murder, because I swear it has a life of its own. Although if I'm killing him, that wouldn't be so bad."

"How about anyone else?"

"Evans, maybe. Even Remus if it comes to that. I don't quite get the reasoning between me and Harry, though, although I see why you like it."

"The internet is a dangerous weapon in the hands of fangirls and boys."

Fin.

******  
Spike - Buffy the Vampire Slayer  
Saffiru - Sailor Moon  
Treize - Gundam Wing  
Moria - the goddess of fate, Who could overrule the gods  
Hell, Michigan really does have an ice cream shop.


End file.
